I remember judging him as I was complaining to a friend about his snappy, lets argue about everything demeanor but the truth was,  for years, I made sure any spark became a roaring flame.  I was right there with him fighting and defending all kinds of bullshit.  Nothing was safe.  You name it, we fought about everything from parking spaces to rugs…

I hope I’m not painting a grim picture.  Most of these were small spats and we almost always made up quickly and laughed at ourselves constantly. But, all the while, I was changing. I was growing more and more spiritually and began to lose that desire to fight.  We always had a spiritual base but I wanted to go higher, to get more.  We read to each other, often from various spiritual books and while I loved it, I felt now was the time to really apply the knowledge.

I learned that that was true wisdom… not just learning but practicing what you learned in your everyday life.

When I first  felt this powerful shift happening I wanted to fight it because deep down i knew what it would mean… if he has no desire to take the ride, you will end up on the road alone….

Now, let me be honest,during this HUGE, terrifying shift I made some really big mistakes. You have to understand, I was soo scared that the fear had me acting totally out of character.  I think we sometimes have to be who we are not to remember who we really are. It was when I really made the decision to man up that everything changed.

I walked through the door anyway, and of course we ended. Still there is much work to be done because (and thankfully, not often) I can fall in to old patterns…

If you ask for clarity, that’s exactly what you are going to get.  My breakup (they should call it a breakdown) has it’s challenges. it has been soo good in that I learned more about myself than i could’ve ever thought humanly possible.

We get along famously and last week we enjoyed a picnic while we watched our gorgeous son run and play—That soo did not happen!

Here’s the real..

Yesterday, we had a barrage of nasty texts, really nasty. You know what they say about the pen being pretty mighty, well damn!  Honestly, it wasn’t what he said that ruffled my feathers, it was my response that has gotten under my skin.

Here I am Ms. Spiritual herself writing a book and all and having a texting death match!

My goal in life is to heal not just this stinker of a relationship but all of my relationships. that doesn’t mean we have be best buds but, why cant we be cool?!

I know, I should not be attached to the outcome but I know how good it feels to hold him in a loving place as opposed to feeling like I wish he fell neck deep in cow shit.  As soon as I turned off the  pisstivity, I turned on the positivity.

I began to pray and wish him well, really wish him well and it wasn’t for him, It was for me.  It feels so much more divine to feel good about everyone you encounter and everyone in your world.  As far as me slipping, this was an opportunity for me to be more loving  and embrace my humanness.  Along as there is breath in my body there will be room constant for growth….

So listen up, buddy, yeah you! I’m sending you love!!!! NOW deal with it!!

(Boy, I told him)

So here it is….me. no really, ME.

Alot  of  my  very  dear  friends  know  the  space  im  in  and  what  my  life  looks  like  right  now….  the  marriage,  the  baby,  the  separation,  the  happiness….  the happiness?!   Yes,  the  happiness!    The  truth   is,  danny   and  I  grew  apart  in  a very  real  way.   this  truth  absolutely  terrified  me!

I  remember  feeling  a  spiritual  shift  tugging  at  me  and  I  also  remember  consciously  wanting  to  deny  it,  to  move  as  far  away  from  it  as  possible  but  my  spirit  was  beckoning  me  to  look,  to  really  look  at  me…. I  told  a  friend about  this  at  the  time  and  said  im  so  scared  to  face  me  because  I  know  what it  all  might  mean…

It  was  mid  2007  when  I  began  to  get  in  tune  with  the  real  me,  the  real  voice without  society,  staunch  morals,  lies,  the  need  for  approval,  and  the  desire  to please.  You  know  what  I  found?  Underneath  all  that  stuff  was  a  girl  that wanted  to  be  free.   A  girl  that  wanted  to  go  it  alone.  A  girl  that  (gulp)  didnt want  to  be  married.

Danny  and  I  talked  and  talked  and  talked  (that’s  why  I  will  never  stop  loving him)  and  he  felt  some  of  this  as  well, the growing  apart  ..now here we are, these  very  different  people  who  hardly  recognize  one  another….and  it was during  this  time  i  read  something that  shook  me  to  my  core:

“One  of  the  reasons  why  many  people  fear  this  inward-looking  process  is  that they  are  dimly  aware  that,  having  discovered  one’s  real  nature,  1  can  no  longer  pretend  in  the  eyes  of  the  world”

That  was  a  sort  of  wake  up  call,  a  shake  up  call.  I  found  too,  that  you  can only  ignore  you  for  so  long.   Try  as I did, I popped and went about my quest in, at first, the most cowardly way. So yes, mistakes (or opportunities to grow) surely happened…I’m now in the process of trying to clean it up (bleach does NOT work). I would be lying if I said I regret them but I know I would not be who I am now without all my follies…

What is real for me is being a mother… I fucking love it! I looked at my son and felt the need to live fearlessly. I want him to be a leader, one who views life as a daring adventure or nothing at all. Who are we if we try to go thru life unscathed? Who am i and how can teach these things without BEING?!

If this is life 101, I got an apple in my bag and freshly sharpened pencils!

Sorry, I gotta go I got a small human jumping on my back telling me class is in session….

It’s time, stop your blubbering and start being the source of your own happiness!!!

Take responsibility and focus on all the good stuff you have going for you… like how that tiger didnt eat you or how your brother doesnt know that you peed into his cologne bottle when he made you mad years ago…

let it go and come on! GET HAPPY!

My life was changed dramatically when i read the words my favorite artist Sananda Maitreya wrote,

“You (yes YOU) are as beautiful and worthy of grace as any being ever born, your job being to realize this for yourself”.

I now live by those words and encourage you to truly live!!!!!!

Now… Sit quietly, take three deep breathes slowly and begin to say and feel the words…

My life is a blessing

I am a beautiful source of light

I am open to receive

I give freely

I have wonderful relationships

I welcome change

I now have unlimited abundance

I laugh and find time for play each day

My existence makes the world more beautiful

My life is full of adventure

I am powerful

I am successful

I am health

I fall in love with me a little more each day

I live in a beautiful, safe world

I have more money coming in than going out

I love my body

I enjoy eating healthy

Each day is better than the last

I am love!!!

..And so it is

Yesterday after listening to Michael Beckwith (from The Secret) speak, he said something that stuck: “Everything is happening for my greater good”

…And that is the reality… All of life is beautiful! I wont wait another minute to feel this bliss, it is all here for me. I will speak it into existance everyday …. and NOW, DAMNIT!

Is this the life you imagined yourself living? When you were a child did you dream of a life where you lived pay check to paycheck? Did you see yourself growing up and giving up? Did you picture yourself being fearful? Worried? Stressed?

In that same dream were your relationships in turmoil? Did you want to Live a life of pain and strife? Did you see a wonderful love in your life? Did you see yourself taking the time to play? To Laugh?

NO?!?

THEN GO BACK!!! Visit that four year old that believed, that trusted, that knew everything would work out…. that you that wasnt afraid of jumping. That you who knew what pure love was…

If you check, you’ll see she/he is still there, loving you and ready to laugh again!!

The time is now to experience a full life truly lived. Let go and be bliss! Be peace! Be light! And for Pete’s sake (or whatever your name is) be unafraid!!!! Know that right now everything is happening for your highest and greatest good!!!

The world is waiting for you! You have a unique and wonderful gift. Share it! Tell someone right now how MUCH you love them and how good this life TRULY IS!

p.s. i love you!!!!!

yours TRULY,

jennia

I had a revelation as of late. Live, not only as though you were dying but as though you were reflecting on your whole life.

From the moment I had this feeling I began to see things differently, to want to live courageously!!

I will tell you what I WONT be saying….

“Man, I’m so glad I played it safe and didnt take any chances. i’m so happy i protected myself from getting a broken heart. Yeah, I hated my job but I stayed there for 40 years because of the security. My husband and I no longer have anything in common and we sleep in separate beds but we’ve been together for 51 years. I didnt pursue my childhood dreams because so many people told me they were foolish.”

NO!!!!!!!!!

Is that how you want to reflect?

I will say that i was fearless! That i grabbed life by the balls. I stayed true to myself regardless of the naysayers. I took chances even though there were times I thought I was crazy for making them. Because right now:

I happily live in the moment.

I’m not afraid to be true to myself, to live in my truth.

I laugh all the time.

I question things like religion because it’s my human right to do so.

I’m not afraid to fall in love, no really fall in love.

I do things that make me happy.

I live in my higher purpose.

i pursue my dreams.

….. So when that day comes, when i am a very old woman many, many, many, many moons from now i can rejoice in the fact that i didnt live a life where i tried to protect myself from everything. I will say i did it, i did it all……
So, for the love of God (for the love of you) stop playing it safe! Stop putting it off! Stop waiting until tomorrow! And by all means, stop being so serious!

I had a revelation as of late. Live, not only as though you were dying but as though you were reflecting on your whole life.

From the moment I had this feeling I began to see things differently, to want to live courageously!!

I will tell you what I WONT be saying….

“Man, I’m so glad I played it safe and didnt take any chances. i’m so happy i protected myself from getting a broken heart. Yeah, I hated my job but I stayed there for 40 years because of the security. My husband and I no longer have anything in common and we sleep in separate beds but we’ve been together for 51 years. I didnt pursue my childhood dreams because so many people told me they were foolish.”

NO!!!!!!!!!

Is that how you want to reflect?

I will say that i was fearless! That i grabbed life by the balls. I stayed true to myself regardless of the naysayers. I took chances even though there were times I thought I was crazy for making them. Because right now:

I happily live in the moment.

I’m not afraid to be true to myself, to live in my truth.

I laugh all the time.

I question things like religion because it’s my human right to do so.

I’m not afraid to fall in love, no really fall in love.

I do things that make me happy.

I live in my higher purpose.

i pursue my dreams.

….. So when that day comes, when i am a very old woman many, many, many, many moons from now i can rejoice in the fact that i didnt live a life where i tried to protect myself from everything. I will say i did it, i did it all……
So, for the love of God (for the love of you) stop playing it safe! Stop putting it off! Stop waiting until tomorrow! And by all means, stop being so serious!

Is this the life you imagined yourself living? When you were a child, did you dream of a life where you lived pay check to paycheck? Did you see yourself growing up and giving up? Did you picture yourself being fearful? Worried? Stressed?

In that same dream were your relationships in turmoil? Did you want to Live a life of pain and strife?

Did you see a wonderful love in your life? Did you see yourself taking the time to play? To Laugh?

NO?!?

THEN GO BACK!!! Visit that four year old that believed, that trusted, that knew everything would work out…. that you that wasn’t afraid of jumping. That you who knew what pure love was…

If you check, you’ll see she/he is still there, loving you and ready to laugh again!!

The time is now to experience a full life truly lived. Let go and be bliss! Be peace! Be light! And for Pete’s sake (or whatever your name is) be unafraid!!!! Know that right now everything is happening for your highest and greatest good!!!

The world is waiting for you! You have a unique and wonderful gift. Share it! Tell someone right now how MUCH you love them and how good this life TRULY IS!

p.s. i love you!!!!!